On wasting

I’m feeling anxious about waste. In this season I cannot help but think: I am wasting so much time, I’m not doing anything, I need to justify my existence, I feel incredibly guilty, etc. In reality, a constellation of random, unfortunate, and unforseeable events is preventing me from having anything to ‘do’ right now in the way of work or formal study. I’ve been ‘idle’ for a week, and even though most of the week has been spent in various types of physical discomfort, my level of anxiety is HIGH.

Then I start worrying existentially about all the things in my life that feel wasted. Did I throw away my expensive computer science degree? Why did I undergo a yoga teacher training?! Shame on my millennial soul.

When I was going through a crisis earlier this year, one of my dearest friends texted me a Kings K lyric: “None of this is wasted / Still becoming who we are / Ordinary people / Extraordinary scars”. I cried. I dearly want to believe that, but I am hell bent on efficiency.

It’s hard to receive these words: It isn’t a waste for you to be & to keep being. You don’t need to justify your existence. You are okay.

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